Catholic Schoolgirls
By Casey KurttiCatholic Schoolgirls is a memory play. The main character, Elizabeth, is in the first grade when she delivers this monologue. She talks directly to the audience.
ELIZABETH:
Okay, everybody. This is church. This is God's house. If you ever have to talk to him, just come right in and kneel down in one of these long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. In here you have to be real quiet. You might wake up the statues and they are praying to Jesus. (Bows her head.) Oh, I forgot to tell you something. Whenever you hear the name "Jesus" (bows) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus' mother. Her name is The Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows), so you don't have to bow your head when you hear her name. All the girls sit on her side when they go to mass.
One time, I heard that Margaret Mary O'Donahugue, a sixth grader, was in church saying the rosary, that's the necklace with beads on it for praying, she said that the Blessed Virgin Mary statue started crying right in the middle of Mass. I believe it, too. Sister says there are miracles, magic things that happen to people that are real good. Margaret Mary never gets in trouble. In class, she always gives the right answers, so I guess she deserves to see a miracle. Well, I'm going to see a miracle someday, too.
Anyway, the boys sit over there, on the other side, with the statue of Saint Joseph. He is Jesus' father. (Bows.) Hey, you forgot to bow your head. Don't do that 'cause you'll have a black spot on your soul and you'll go straight to hell. Now in hell, it is real hot and you sweat a lot and little devils come and bite you all over. If you are real good, you get to go to Heaven. The best thing about Heaven is that you get to meet anyone you want. Let's say I wanted to meet Joan of Arc- no, no... Cleopatra. I would go to one of the saints and he would give me a permission slip and I would fill it out and take it to Jesus. (Bows.) Hey, you didn't bow your head. Okay, I warned you. Then I would fly across Heaven, 'cause when you get in, they give you wings, and I would have a chat with Cleopatra. The only thing is that I hope everyone gets accepted into Heaven or else I would never see them again.
Jewish people can't even go to Heaven. So if any of you are Jewish, I would change into a Catholic, or else you have to go straight to hell. Jewish people can't even go to church. If I saw a Jewish person in church I would stand up and tell the priest that there was a Jewish person in church, and he would stop the Mass until they left. One time I heard this story and I know it is true, that a Jewish person went to church for two weeks disguised as a Catholic. He got communion every day except he took them out of his mouth so they wouldn't melt and he put them in his kitchen cupboard so they would be safe. Then when he had gotten enough, thirteen or so, he put them in a frying pan and he cooked them and blood started dripping from the ceiling and it was Jesus' blood. (Bows.)
You see that crucifix up there? That's how Jesus died. The Jewish people put him up there and they killed him. If a Jewish person walked in here, the statue would turn bloody. Jesus would start hurting from the nails. That's all I wanted to say. I just wanted to tell you a few important things. I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings, but that's the way it is.
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