Untitled Autobiography
By Josh Weckesser

In Josh Weckesser's untitled autobiography, there is a Narrator Josh, who describes events from his own life with the benefit of hindsight, and there is a Character Josh, a freshman in high school.

This monologue follows a scene in which Ben, another high school student, accuses Josh of calling his girlfriend a skank - which Josh is convinced he never did. Ben punches Josh in the back of the head, and Josh's friends attack and beat up Ben.


This isn't supposed to be serious, I mean, it's true, for pity's sake, and when was the last time you took a long, hard look at your life without laughing? Real life is funny, man. It takes some hardcore fiction to be serious, to teach you a lesson. Like I said before, there isn't a lesson here, it's just... here.

But look at Ben. He was just trying to defend the honor of his girlfriend. No one does that these days. And you know why? Because of people like me. People like me who say, "Well, I know if I fight him I'll lose, so I'll gang up on him." People like me who say, "Fuck honor and fuck you too, Ben! And you know what else? Fuck your skanky girlfriend." Yeah, that's right, I called her skanky. Hell, I still don't know who she was, but maybe I did call her a skank, maybe he did have a right to kick my ass. But I robbed him of it. I'll bet he never tried to defend the honor of his girlfriend ever again. There goes a bastion of chivalry in this modern world...

[beat] Seriously, who the hell sucker punches someone in the back of the head when he is out numbered five to one? That's just stupid. He was asking for it, right? [pause] Gah, now that that's out of the way I hope we can restrain from any part of any sort of morality entering the rest of this untitled narrative.

Act II: Josh and Girls.


Eventually, I fell in love. I was the ripe old age of fifteen. She was the first girl that really ever talked to me. It was meant to be. [pause] I was young, I was stupid.

How could I have known what love was at the age of fifteen? How can you ever know what love it? I mean seriously, if any Joe from middle Illinois could figure out all of the mysteries of love by the age of fifteen, why would poets write endless verses if it was so easy? It's an issue that every human being must tackle and this is how I went about tackling it.

[Enter a flat painted figure of a woman in a gray Calvin Kline T-shirt] This, ladies and gentlemen is Shanell. Why is she made out of wood? It is a representation of how I remember her. Here we have Shanell, in all of her glory. What I can remember is what she looked like.

This is who I fell in love with. It was rather pitiful.

It went something like this: Shanell actually existed. Like I said, I was young, I was stupid and I 'liked' her. So, what I did was interpret everything she did and said as some sort of positive, in my favor, action. Therefore, I basically made up her personality, and feel in love with the personality. Life is a matter of perception.

I even wrote poetry. Original poetry. But I'm not going to subject you to that.

Did I really know her? No. Was I really in love with her? No. Does it really count? No. So we can move on!

This monologue is from the full-length play Untitled Autobiography by Josh Weckesser. If you would like to read the entire play, you can order and download an electronic (PDF) copy of the script for $7.00.

Buy and Download

This monologue brought to you by The Monologue Database.