How I Learned to Drive
By Paula VogelThe play is a series of scenes in the life of "Li'l Bit" and her uncle, Peck. The Greek Chorus is made up of three actors who play a variety of roles. At this moment, Li'l Bit's mother is providing advice about social drinking. She gets progressively drunk as the monologue continues.
MOTHER (FEMALE GREEK CHORUS):
A Mother's Guide to Social Drinking:
A lady never gets sloppy - she may, however, get tipsy and a little gay.
Never drink on an empty stomach. Avail yourself of the bread basket and generous portions of butter. Slater the butter on your bread.
Sip your drink, slowly, let the beverage linger in your mouth - interspersed with interesting, fascinating conversation. Sip, never... slurp or gulp. Your glass should always be three-quarters full when his glass is empty.
Stay away from all ladies' drinks: drinks like pink ladies, slow gin fizzes, daiquiris, gold cadillacs, Long Island iced teas, margaritas, pina coladas, mai tais, planters punch, white Russians, black Russians, red Russians, melon balls, blue balls, hummingbirds, hemorrhages and hurricanes. In short, avoid anything with sugar, or anything with an umbrella. Get your vitamin C from fruit. Don't order anything with Voodoo or Vixen in the title or sexual positions in the name like Dead Man Screw or the Missionary.
Believe me, they are lethal... I think you were conceived after one of those.
Drink, instead, like a man: striaght up or on the rocks, with plenty of water in between.
Oh, yes. And never mix your drinks. Stay with one all night long, like the man you came in with: bourbon, gin, or tequila till dawn, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
Don't leave your drink unattended when you visit the ladies' room. There is such a thing as white slavery; the modus operandi is to spike an unsuspecting young girl's drink with a "mickey" when she's left the room to powder her nose.
But if you feel you have had more than your sufficiency in liquor, do go to the ladies' room - often. Pop your head out of doors for a refreshing breath of the night air. If you must, wet your face and head with tap water. Don't be afraid to dunk your head if necessary. A wet woman is still less conspicuous than a drunk woman.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary, go to a corner stall and insert the index and middle finger down the throat almost to the epiglottis. Divulge your stomach contents by such persuasion, and then wait a few moments before rejoining your beau waiting for you at your table.
Oh, no. Don't be shy or embarrassed. In the very best of establishments, there's always one or two debutantes crouched in the corner stalls, their beaded purses tossed willy-nilly, sounding like cats in heat, heaving up the contents of their stomachs.
I wonder what it is they do in the men's rooms...
Thanks to judicious planning and several trips to the ladies' loo, your mother once out-drank an entire regiment of British officers on a good-will visit to Washington! Every last man of them! Milquetoasts! How'd they ever kick Hitler's cahones, huh? No match for an American lady - I could drink every man in here under the table.
As a last resort, when going out for an evening on the town, be sure to wear a skin-tight girdle - so tight that only a surgical knife or acetylene torch can get it off you - so that if you do pass out in the arms of your escort, he'll end up with rubber burns on his fingers before he can steal your virtue.
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