Table Settings
By James Lapine

This comedy features three generations of an archetypal Jewish family at various meals. After one nerve-wracking, ear-splitting dinner, the WASPy Wife - described as "the ultimate shiksa" - clears the table.

WIFE

I've always been happy. Always. Oh, sure, there was a time when even I gave into depression. But really, there's no question about it, I'm just a happy person by nature. Now that can threaten some people. Sometimes when I have a smile on my face they ask me, "What's the matter?" Like if I'm just in a merry mood, there has to be a reason.

I'm just simpleminded! Now there's a lot to be said for simplicity. I don't claim to feel less than anyone else. Sure, I have my bad days, but I let go. I get angry, and that's that. I don't make things complex when they can be simple and easy. I feel pain, but I don't dwell on it. I think of things that make me happy. Unlike some people I know, I count my blessings and not my problems. Take my mother-in-law, for instance. All that woman seems to talk about is this one's stomach cancer, and that one's cataract operation and who's divorcing who.

And my husband is forever glued to his newspaper - sometimes I think that man would rather read about political unrest and crime than be with his own family. And the kids! Children, our one hope for the future - last night I joined them in the TV room. They were watching this gruesome program about starving people, in Indo-Asia - or somewhere! Well, I just shut that television off and said, "For crying out loud can't you kids watch something a little cheerier? Whatever happened to Ozzie and Harriet?" Well, those kids looked at me like I was nuts.

Listen, I just try to smile and bring a little happiness into this family. I mean we're all going to end up with six feet of ground on top of us, let's have a few laughs. But you know, some people see the cup of life as half empty. I see it as half full. And if those half empties won't let us half full be happy... (Scary angry.) FUCK 'EM.

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