Call me KP
facebook
last.fm
goodreads
flickr
del.icio.us
Favorite Books
Favorite Music
Favorite Movies
CURRENTLY
FEELING...
READING...
Portland Noir
WRITING...
Book & Music Reviews
LISTENING...
Bright Eyes
WATCHING...
Hilariously bad tween melodrama
PLAYING...
Morrowind
SURFING...
Texts From Last Night
WANTING...
Presents
Basically... I'm a bitch.
Thursday, July 02, 2009 @ 9:49 PM
STFU Marrieds posted my submission. That was quick. If anyone happens to visit the link and knows the people in question... please don't rat me out to them. STFU is only for bitter single people like myself. The married, coupled, and sentimental have no place there.
I've been thinking a lot about how I sometimes feel irritated with people for not being prepared. Mostly this pertains to theatre, at least at the moment, but it has happened in the past at jobs - the law firm, the Vidette. I frequently find myself thinking, "I would do this differently - and better. I would run more efficient rehearsals that didn't waste anyone's time." And then I get annoyed with myself for being such a bitch, even if I would never actually voice these opinions.
And it's sort of hypocritical, because maybe the things I think are a waste of time are actually vitally important to a given director. Maybe my actors have, from time to time, though, "Why is Kellie spending so much time on something that doesn't matter? Why is she making me wait around while she... duct-tapes a strobe light to the ceiling? Can't she do that later? When I'm at home, watching TV and getting stoned?" You never know. So, the point is, I guess, I need to learn some patience.
Shakespearean Phrases I Want to "Bring Back"
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 @ 10:19 PM
* "Cock and pie!"
* "scurvy jack-a-nape priest"
* "As sure as his guts are made of puddings."
* "the reek of a lime-kiln"
* "leman"
* "polecat"
* "lubberly"
* "[I will] smite his noddles"
Side note: I sent in my first submission to STFU Marrieds today. Can't wait to see if it gets posted.
On Tact
Friday, June 26, 2009 @ 11:52 PM
Today at rehearsal, someone asked me, "How did you get that nasty scar?"
It's really rare that people ask me that. Most people insist that unless I bring them up, they don't notice my scars. But whenever someone does ask about them, I always wonder how many people notice but are too polite to say anything.
And I drive now
Today was my last exam for my summer course. Not really a final, since not cumulative. I kind of can't believe it's over. I thought I would be stuck with a B+, but I have recalculated and now I think I'm going to get an 91.1% - solid A-, yay!
I'm in three shows right now - a staged reading at the KNOW Theatre on July 4, the Mental Health Players' annual musical on July 14-17, and EPAC's Merry Wives of Windsor opening in August. Oh, and Amanda and I are doing Monologues & Madness in the city on 7/6. It's a crowded calendar, especially considering that not that long ago I barely left the house more than once a week. I went from 0 to 60, that's for sure.
My mood hasn't been great, but it's definitely better than it was before I moved. I'm still depressed, but my symptoms are mild most days - just fatigue, apathy, sadness. I only have a really bad crying-and-hating-myself-and-wanting-to-die day about once a week, which is much more manageable.
How real this can get
Tuesday, June 09, 2009 @ 8:48 PM
I had a revelation today: There's a difference between coping and enduring. I have endured a lot, but that doesn't mean that I have good coping skills. I have forced myself to do things when I didn't want to. I have functioned despite unimaginable exhaustion. I have smiled when I wanted to kill myself. But maybe that's not what coping is. Maybe there's something better.
Neither Here Nor There
Monday, June 01, 2009 @ 9:32 PM
Had a pretty good, pretty uneventful weekend. My symptoms were pretty mild both days, and today as well. I had my online test, which was a source of a completely reasonable amount of anxiety, but I'm sure I did fine. I'm starting to get somewhere with my attempts to get involved in theatre and volunteering, which is going to be good for me.
I went to the DBSA support group tonight, and a woman there said some really upsetting things. I actually confronted her, sort of, and even though nothing came of it and the situation was in no way resolved, I was still proud of myself for saying something instead of sitting there quietly biting my tongue and hating myself, which I think by now everyone knows is my usual M.O.
It just bothers me when people oversimplify depression and suicidal feelings. It's just so judgmental and condescending to say that people attempt suicide for attention or to get revenge. That is probably a component for some, but it's a lot more complex than that. It drives me crazy when people say that a suicide attempt is a "cry for help," and dismiss all of their symptoms and suffering so casually. As though a cry for help is a reason to deny help. As though the only people worthy of treatment are those who are already dead. It's not really fair to say that "If someone is really suicidal, they wouldn't talk about it, they would just do it and get it over with."
Suicidal impulses occur on a continuum, it's not really accurate to describe someone as "suicidal" or "not suicidal," it's not really a binary state, it's a matter of degrees. Even if suicide is just an impulse, and not a definite course of action, it is still a sign that something very serious is wrong. Whether or not a person acts on their suicidal thoughts and feelings is not an absolute guide to the degree of their suffering.
There will always be some degree of ambivalence - if for no other reason, then because instinct is a strong force, a force that wants to keep existing. It's like I wrote in Like Dreaming, Backwards - "Your physical drive to live can undermine your mind's desire to die. Your instincts to breathe are hard to overcome. You can't bear another second of misery - but your heart just refuses to stop beating. It has some nerve."
Mood Disorders
Saturday, May 30, 2009 @ 4:37 PM
My class has gotten a little more interesting, but I'm constantly surprised by how much of the material I'm already familiar with. I have my first test on Monday (of four total). That should give me an idea of how hard I'll have to work to get my 'A'.
Now that I'm a student, with an ID and everything, I decided to try to get counseling services. When I asked if I was eligible, they told me I was, and I got an appointment. But then at the end of my appointment, the clinician ended up telling me that I should just stick with Broome County. Ironic, given that BCMH is telling all their patients to find services somewhere else if they can.
I left feeling counseling services feeling horrible. It's so frustrating to keep telling people over and over that I'm on the edge of another suicide attempt, and having them tell me they can't or won't help me. It makes me feel like no one will take me seriously. It's cruel to make people with emotional distress and distorted perception jump through all these fucking hoops. Every time I'm turned away, I lose a little more hope. And I really didn't have any extra to begin with.
I Think My Professor Is the Same Age as Me
Tuesday, May 26, 2009 @ 2:43 PM
Today was the first day of my Behavior Disorders class. I was anxious/excited about it, but it was basically a review of crap I learned in high school. I'm hoping that's only because it was the first day, and that I might actually get to learn some new things eventually. Otherwise, it's going to make the hour that I have to spend riding the city bus every day pretty pointless.
Feeling Strangely Fine
Sunday, May 24, 2009 @ 9:49 PM
I think I probably used that title once before, but it fits with my day. I have been more optimistic today than I have been in at least six months. Nothing happened to make today an especially good day, and yet, somehow, I found myself thinking about my future like I might actually like to have one. How can I feel that way more often? What caused me to be relatively cheerful for almost six straight hours? And why is it that just asking myself these questions is enough to depress me all over again?
"Rage Is Loud" in NYC
Saturday, May 09, 2009 @ 10:27 AM
A few months ago, I submitted "Rage Is Loud" for a production in New York city. I never heard back, and so assumed that it wasn't happening. Then last night, I got an e-mail from the director - the show is happening, and it's happening next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (5/14-5/16) at 7pm at The Royal Theatre at The Producers' Club, 358 W. 44th Street. Tickets are $15 and you can make reservations by calling (212)769-7973. "Rage" is the fifth of five short plays. The company is called the Brief Acts Company, a division of Love Creek Productions.
I feel like it's pretty bizarre to be just finding out about this. There's a lot of information that I don't have, so my mind is pretty much reeling. But it's also very exciting. I get to see one of my shows put on by strangers! And just a few blocks from Times Square. I don't care who you are, that's awesome.
Content & Design (c) 2000-2009 KP
archives / / blogger
Blog: Never Better writing, music, theatre
FRIENDS
moonshine
vasconia
no escape
muffins
POLITICS
feministing
gay rights watch
safer
bitch magazine
COMICS
penny arcade
ctrl+alt+del
questionable
xkcd
sad children
3ps
achewood
softer world
FUNDRAISING
AcaDemon
My Essays
Alibris
Shutterfly
Blue Dolphin
Overstock
Apple iTunes
