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Thursday, June 14, 2001 @ 11:40 AM
I just woke up about an hour ago, took a shower, and got online. I have practice tonight at 7:00, but I intend to do some actual work-type things today. This is my plan for today: Write until 12:00 - online or offline, here or in Word, whatever. Then 12:00, get ready to face the day, eat something. Around 1:00 I'm going to work on putting in at least one of those "ten hours" I owe my dad in exchange for the laptop, linking Music Industry Networking. Around 2:00, I'm going to gather the phone numbers for the four places I applied last week: Panera, Target, Kohl's, and Mrs. Fields. I'm going to make my "follow-up" calls. I'm even going to think about sending cards to these places. Then at 3:00, I'm going to set up my new Message Board. I'm going to take the old site completely down, and upload the new one. Then around 4:00, I'm going to play The Sims. I'm going to set up a Sophistry part of the neighborhood - Ex, Willy, and Igor in one house, Robin and Debbie in another, Quintana, Whitey, and Jack all in their own places. Then I'm going to sit back and watch what happens to them. By 6:00, I should have an interesting enough story to tell to the rest of the cast.
Now, I want to talk about last night. What I guess I couldn't articulate very well was that I was thinking about one of Josh's character-revealing questions. He asked us to think about a vivid memory for our characters that defined their lives - a happy memory, one they kept going back to. When he said it, it hit me - my moment was the first time Logan kissed me. But that moment, which was the first time I felt really beautiful and loved in my entire life, has been stolen from me by everything that's happened since then. It's been tainted, corrupted, by the truth of the matter, which is that I couldn't make it work with him. The only person to ever love me, and I couldn't make it work. It just strikes so much fear into me...Yeah, I don't need a man. A lot of the time I think that I don't even want one. But there's so much inside me that is a nurturer and a romantic, and I fear losing that part of me, because it means so much to who I am. Who am I? I am a writer, an agnostic, an insomniac, a fighter, a watcher, a listener, a mother, and a lover. I've lost touch with so much of myself in the past year, I've given up writing short stories, and practically given up my once ultimate-goal - writing a novel, the entire school year I actually slept eight hours a night, I've given up so much of my once so-important feminist ideals, and I managed to convince myself for half a year that I didn't like kids, even though every time I see a child crying, my ueterus contracts and my eyes fill with tears because I want to stop their pain. I want to stop everyone's pain... that's why I'm a mom at heart. I guess the only real reason I feel sad is because I need to make some changes in my life. I need to get my act together as far as the job-search goes, I need to really f'n commit to my writing, every day and I need to find things that make me feel good about myself. Because I know last summer I felt really special and happy before I met Logan, and I want that feeling back. I need to feel that way again - and I think I can.
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