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Thursday, January 24, 2002 @ 12:49 AM
This afternoon, I discovered the reason that I have an Us Vs. Them Mentality in the first place.
It was nothing major, really. Something I had forgotten to be used to. "Oh, man, Shaw, you lost the play to Kellie Powell." Some guy who's name I didn't even know. I could've dealt with that.
What killed me - "Aw, yeah, man, I know." This from Shaw. This from Shaw, while I stood there, completely within earshot. Immediately, I thought, "You bastard. I gave you a Christmas card. I very seriously contemplated asking you to Prom. I beat up on myself for lacking the maturity to not judge you by the people you hang out with." Turns out, my worst fears... were pretty much right on. Turns out all that bias and stereotyping... was there for a reason.
Why does it seem like every time I try to have faith in the human race, or give someone the benefit of the doubt, I end up feeling incredibly stupid? No good deed goes unpunished.
You know, I'm sure he didn't ask for me to think that he was different, for me to respect him. He probably didn't ask to be the guy who people look up to. But, you know, I didn't ask to be the girl that everyone looks down at.
And I was trying to sleep tonight, and I started thinking about something Rob said. He gave me some really comforting advice a couple months ago, which... I feel like disregarding right now. I don't care what you say, Rob. I am too weird, or too crazy, or too ugly, or SOMETHING, because everyone I've been interested in for the past six years has been... repulsed... by me. I can just hear someone chiming in right about now about how I need some self-esteem. But how would your self-esteem be if the only guys to want you for more than 24 hours in a row, in the past four years were Rob Swafford, Logan, and Josh Fowler? Not good. That is how it would be, and that is how you would feel. Not good. You wouldn't be able to sleep either. You might even be crying, too, if you're that kind of melodramatic insomniac. And you'd probably be thinking about college, and hoping against hope that things are different there.
Not like I think the guy's'll be lining up. Just... maybe... Maybe I'll be a person there, and not some stranger's punchline.
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