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Saturday, May 18, 2002 @ 5:54 PM
The Internet is not working at Kellie's house, so she is forced to drive to ISU to utilize their free internet stations.
Class Night sucked, but on the plus side, we got Mrs. T. good. If you happened to miss it, it went a little something like deez:
"We, the talented senior Thespians, being of creative minds - and deaf ears, after four years of senseless screeching and ranting - do hereby will and bequeath to the Bipolar Basketcase in the English Office: A collection of various mood-stabilizing pharmaceuticals. Pick one, and please, stick with it."
Harsh? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.
Then there was the getting hit with milk, which was less fun, and then the crying and hugging, which just felt hollow. It was nice to feel appreciated, but... honestly, people, I'm not going anywhere. And those of you who I want to keep in touch with, I will. Graduation and college aren't the end of friendships, they're the first test of them. Who is really worth keeping in touch with? I'm about to find out.
Speaking of college people who don't keep in touch, Josh dropped by my house last night. We caught up, talked about S&C a little, but mostly random things. He broke up with the girlfriend. Our conversation:
"So... how'd she take it?" "...Okay..." "So... is she going to be making your life a living Hell this summer?" "Probably."
I tried, multiple times, to tell him how annoyed I've been with him lately. How I started to think I would never see him again, because he's always blowing me off. How he makes me feel like I'm not worth his time. How upsetting it is to be in a one-sided friendship. A couple times he said he was sorry, but, what can I say? Apologies are empty when you don't trust the person who gives them to you. And yet... When it was time for him to leave, I didn't want him to go.
It's strange the way I ask so little, get less, and... just start asking even less. And yet, I think that's probably for the best. The lower my expectations are, the harder it is for him, or anyone, to let me down. Why do I think that I need people who I can count on? I can count on myself. That should be enough. I don't need other people to tell me who I am, or that I'm worthwhile and wonderful. I know these things already. ;)
Josh is always the Story Teller in our conversations. He is the performer, and for the most part, I am the audience. He steers the conversation in the direction he wants, he talks about anything, but when I try to "take over," and tell my own stories, he makes me feel foolish, he makes me feel... young. Not in a good way. This is one of the many reasons I haven't wanted to date Josh since I was a sophomore. I came to the realization that he would manipulate our relationship, he would manipulate me. Of course, it's been quite a while since I wanted a relationship-relationship with anyone. At the moment, I'm a big believer in friends-with-benefits. And as long as I'm in a sharing, exhibitionist kind of mood, the entire time we were talking in my kitchen, I did want to make out with Josh. But I think it was mostly out of the desire to fucking shut him up. Probably far more information than you needed, but, hey, this is my journal you're reading. What did you expect?
Then today, I got a ride with Steve to downtown Bloomington to see Dry Ice Factory and Outlier play. (Isn't Nick Timme hot? Damn. *Kellie sinks into momentary near-pedophilia.*) It was fun, entertaining. I like music a lot, but something I've noticed is that I like songs exclusively for their lyrics, and I tend to not enjoy music when I can't hear the words. I will listen to music with indiscernible words, but only when I'm also doing something else at the same time. Music-based music is good background noise while talking to people at a party, or while driving, but I can't just sit still and listen to anything without words. Hence the spacing out and people-watching during today's concert.
Well, I've got about a billion things that I could/should be doing today. Tonight there will either be rehearsal or a party at Steve's house, or both. Tomorrow I'm going to a flea market with my father (have I mentioned that we can only spend time together while bargain-hunting these days?). Wish me luck. Oh, and my graduation presents from my mother and father are going to be a backpack and video camera, and a new computer, respectively. The monitor I'll be getting is, in my father's words, "shitty," so I'll probably be hunting for a cheap-but-better one, if anyone has any leads, let me know. As for the video camera, if anyone (I'm looking at PJZ here) has any reccommendations, please, post them.
Today's was an incredibly long entry. Lots to respond to. *Stares menacingly at visitor.* Post! This means you!
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