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Tuesday, December 24, 2002 @ 9:46 AM
I just had the single weirdest dream of my entire life!
Guess who was getting married? Seth. Guess who he was getting married to? STEPHANIE.
The only word to describe it? "Surreal."
I was also wanted for questioning in the death of a Muslim girl who I had never met (an angry voice on my answering machine informed me so). David Robinson somehow interferred to ensure that I would never see Lord of the Rings. I think he might have seduced the Brad-Pitt look-alike who was running the projector... it was rather ambiguous... And Kathy Briggs was crying in a parking lot, but I was on my cell phone at the time and I never did figure out what was wrong. And Dan and I were taking lessons on painting china plates.
And Dan and I were in his car, and I turned to him and said, "Tell me this is a dream." And he pinched his nose and said, "Sorry, kiddo."
But it WAS all a dream! Oh, the irony!
But how did we get here? (How the Hell? Christmas! Christmas Eve last year!)
The party was wonderful. The angst was supplied by yours truly - a combination of complete selfishness and self-delusion (ask if confused), and more noble empathy for Justin. Even Megan Hannah had a good time - we talked after everyone left for around two hours. I think I might ask Seth for Brandon's phone number, he's a lot of fun to be around - he drew a monkey on my knee in permanent marker. Everyone is invited to my place, again, for New Year's, where we will be watching the Adult Swim Marathon on Cartoon Network and drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses. Because it is New Year's, I think I will allow people to drink whatever they bring with them, with the understanding that a single alcoholic beverage will result in my confiscating your keys. Hopefully, my parents will not be home. You don't have to tell your parents that.
Maddy's niece Ashely came to stay in our house for a bit, she's sixteen and very sweet. We decided to see Lord of the Rings together. I called Steph and she told us to come pick her up. On our way to Steph's, my car died. Completely. It wouldn't start, no amount of coaxing helped. In the middle of all this, Josh called me to tell me that he was on his way home. Ashley and I haven't made it to the movie yet, but eventually, we will get there. And hopefully, I'll see Josh before he goes back to Dekalb. He can tell me all about how I'm single-handedly screwing up my life. (Note: joke.) I did end up seeing Steph, Dan and I went to visit her, and brought her a coloring book and a copy of Rolling Stone, yesterday. Right before I returned home for the beginning of... (drum roll)
Celebrating Christmas with Four Different Sets of Extended Family Members: 8:00-11:00pm Monday Night - Maddy's Family 5:00-9:00pm Christmas Eve - Dad's Family (Wrights) 11:00am-5pm Christmas Day - Dad's Family (Powells) TBA - Mom's Family (Benners)
By far the most lively branch is Maddy's, but it's distracting whenever I realize that Monica's children are all twenty or older and still live at home, along with their signifigant others. Plus, I can't quite keep track of who are Monica's kids and who are Kim's. I also enjoy the Powell's, because they're the card-playing, smoking, red-meat-eating, small-town-dwelling, on-the-run-from-the-law, rodent-raising, weed-growing, multiple-divorcing, everyone-has-twelve-kids-and-dies-before-they're-seventy side. Honestly, I enjoy my family gatherings. Because "I'll do anything for a little unqualified affection" - no, actually, it's because they all tell me how much skinnier I look, without fail, every time... Right before they ask me if I "have a man yet" and I stifle a gag, saying something clever like, "Who has time?" or "Men are stupid. Throw rocks at them." And, of course, there's just something about family gatherings that sort of remind you of the circle of life and of the fact that you came from somewhere.
I am preoccupied with my dream. I just... wonder what it's going to take for me to be happy. Sometimes I think enduring happiness doesn't exist. Sometimes I think it exits, but not for me. Sometimes I think being happy is just a matter of properly manipulating yourself, teaching yourself to expect less. But what kind of happiness would that be? The thing is, I like being single. I do. It's a pleasant mix of loneliness and euphoria. And I think the next time a guy tells me he doesn't want to be involved without a lifetimee guarantee, I'll tell him to find someone else to play mind games with, I'm not interested. But when I think about being single forever... now that bothers me. Maybe the trick is to approach relationships as though they are just one more thing that we have no control over. They come, they go, without reason or fault. You're happy for a while, then you're sad. That's just how it is. That's always how it is. And nothing you can do will make a difference. The only choice you make is whether to be a participant or a witness. And I guess... I'd rather Tango to Hell.
What is it about the Holiday Season that brings out this ridiculous introspection? It's like, "Oh, it's Christmas. I should probably get lonely and depressed." No thank you. I'm going to take a cue from The Rooster and eat myself some mf'n candy (and play myself some mf'n Xbox). Oh, and the person who finds the most references to Rent in this post gets a special prize. You have to identify each one and what song it's from to win.
Life = Confusing. But still Sweet.
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