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Friday, May 09, 2003 @ 2:47 PM
Screw Week: Friday
Everyone is gone, or is going. Even Dan is moving out today. Danielle is still here, still packing. We are enduring the heat together. Today, I went downtown, cashed my check, bought Mother's Day presents, and purchased a tapestry from (Bogart's) Casablanca - they're going out of business! That makes me sad. I've been going there since I was thirteen. There's just something about endings... It borders on irony that they're destroying downtown and I'm fleeing the scene. At least in my "fire bad, tree pretty" mind.
Last night's insomnia had me pondering my worth as a human being. Here's the question: Have I changed in the past year? If I have changed, do I like what I've become?
I think I've grown more self-absorbed. I think that's something you can't avoid doing. When you graduate high school and move away from home, suddenly you're not a part of collectives anymore, you're just you, you're on your own in a semi-tangible kind of way. I've lost the sense of belonging that I once had. I probably won't ever have that again, but there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm probably a little less reliable, which upsets me. I never want to be the kind of person my friends and family can't count on. I grew insecure, and but I think my confidence is on the upswing. I'm close to recovering my former shameless, extroverted nature completely.
I'm no more of a delinquent than I was senior year of high school. I didn't go crazy with alcohol and drugs and sex like so many college students do. My mother always treated me with respect, trusting me to make smart decisions, so I never said, "YAY! FREEDOM!" and went off the deep end. My grades haven't changed much since freshman year, if anything, they're better than they were let's say, sophomore year. I wear more make-up, I dress a little more like a hippie, I hate winter, and my hair is never, ever going to be brown again.
So, have I changed? Yeah, probably. Do I like who I am? Yeah, I do. Ask me again in another year.
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