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Thursday, July 31, 2003 @ 3:44 PM
An Unfinished Circle
Seth and I had four blissful hours of Nietzche last night on the futon. I have a two-track mind these days. Seriously. There are only two things on my mind: 1.) My show. 2.) My imminent departure from Normal. (And it's very strange the way these two things relate to each other...)
Seth mostly talked about his current issues with Janet. And Seth had some... shall we say?... bitterness that was apparent and scary to me. I hated it. And then I realized something: I really want for those two to work out. Beyond my envy and selfishness, I want for them (and other 'shipping people) to stay together because I need to believe that it's possible. I need to believe that there are relationships that last beyond the convenient and new stage - I need to believe that for some people, love is worth fighting for.
More and more, I'm thinking about whether or not I'm going to come back. I know that any conclusions I come to here and now are going to vanish completely once I get to NY, but I can't help thinking about it. For months, I was carrying around this secret... this knowledge that once I left, I would never come back. But now, just as I'm about to leave, I'm starting to think maybe I might have things to keep me here.
Also... for so long, I've equated leaving with change. But now I'm starting to think that even when I'm somewhere else, I'll still be the same person. I can't know that a change in circumstances will change me. I can escape Normal, but can I escape myself?
And... Do I want to?
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