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Thursday, October 23, 2003 @ 11:07 PM
Worthless
Today sucked. I feel wretched. I'm sharing this because: 1.) My angst is part of me, and my loved ones should accept this. 2.) Today's events will someday be amusing. Hopefully soon.
All right. Start with the game of Asocksination, an Assassin game Champlain is playing, in which you kill people by hitting them with socks. Sounds like lots of fun, right? It was, until I found out that A.) we had to kill our first target by tonight at midnight, and B.) my target already knew I was his asocksin. I did have fun scaring people with my sock, I must admit.
Eventually, I had to go to class, which was Stage Makeup. Here's the problem with that class - I suck, and I am not improving. Even though I was on the Makeup crew for All-State, even though Thetard's acting class had an extensive makeup unit, I still suck, and I can't seem to get better. Unlike everyone else in the class, I do the reading and I practice outside of class. And yet, they all keep getting better and better, and I keep sucking. It's really discouraging. Every day when my teacher photographs my results, I stare into the bright light and start to cry. Pathetic, I know, but I'm not used to trying and failing. Especially outside the fields of math and science.
Then to play practice, where I move stuff around a lot. I was going to move a table with a cash register on it. I yelled out, "Hey? Little help? Anybody? Could someone give me a hand?" But they all just kept talking amongst themselves. Finally, I decided I would just drag the table away. I started to drag it, when one of the legs of the table broke off. The cash register went crashing and the table fell, bruising my arm. Suddenly, all eyes are on me. It was a very fitting episode, in that it basically summarizes my experience as ASM: I am invisible until I screw up.
Today, I failed as an assassin, an artist, and an ASM. All I want to do is feel like I am capable and in control. So, I'm off to play The Sims.
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