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Sunday, March 25, 2007 @ 2:35 PM
I'm sick of livejournal. I'm going to try blogger today.
I got a new phone and I made a ringtone for it. It's the Pinky and the Brain themesong. You can get it for your phone, too, if you're into that kind of thing.
I saw the worst play ever - no, the worst thing ever - last night. Usually when I see bad student-written, student-directed crap, I feel a little better about my talents as a writer and director. I compare myself favorably to the bad work and leave feeling hopeful about my chances for success. The play I saw last night was so bad that I actually went all the way around to feeling bad about myself again. Worse, actually, than usual.
A few months ago, I got an e-mail telling me that I was a finalist in a ten-minute play competition. I told some people about it and now they ask me whenever they talk to me if I've heard anything yet. It's nice that they remember and that they're excited about the possibility of me winning something, but the problem is that I probably won't win. And that's easier to deal with if people don't get their hopes up. I don't want my friends to have any expectations, because I probably can't live up to them. I didn't win the last time that I was a finalist in a competition. I think if I'm ever a finalist in something again, I won't tell people.
I go through phases where I am public about my depression, and phases where I am private about it. I am never any happier one way or the other. I hate holding it in, but I hate letting it out and finding that no one is able to understand. I talked to two people today, and one of them was really supportive, and one of them was not. He wasn't unsupportive. He was just quiet. Posting on the Internet that you're depressed is just asking to hear nothing but awkward silence on the other end of the line. It's a long wait for a train that doesn't come. It's probably what allows me to go on feeling like some kind of monster, some kind of poison that just infects people. I just bring everyone down. I don't want to make my insanity public. What are you supposed to do with it? I don't know. What am I supposed to do with it?
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