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Of Slackerdom
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 @ 4:52 AM
It's six in the morning, and I'm kinda freaking out about my life.
Amanda and I are supposed to move in together as soon as she finds a job. But the places we've looked at are so expensive that I would have to spend all my time working, most likely at some kind of bullshit job, depending on the area. I'm considering applying to be a substitute teacher, because all that really takes, apparently, in the state of New York, is a B.A., which I have. (Finally! Those years in college may possibly pay off!) But the point is that I would be struggling like mad to make ends meet. My fear is that it could be Chicago all over again: I'm exhausted and bitter from working all the time, I never make any friends, I mooch off the social life of my roommate and become increasingly isolated until I end up back in a hospital.
My other option is to continue to live with my mother, work part time - as a substitute and/or at the hotel, who have been begging me to come back - live basically rent-free, save my money, and suffer the stigma of living at home and not even having my own car. I hardly know anyone in Binghamton, even now that the students are back. So my odds for a social life are roughly the same. My fear is that I'll get so desperate to meet people my own age that I enroll in graduate school at Binghamton. Or, I get so discouraged with the hopelessness of my dead-end, shiftless life that I end up back in a hospital.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I CAN'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS! I'M LIKE DANTE IN "CLERKS!" NO ONE LIKES ME! EVERYONE HATES ME! I'M WORTHLESS AND I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Okay. It felt good to get that out.
Maybe I'll figure some things out when I'm in Chicago. For now, all I can do is try to convince myself that it's just too damn early to give up hope. I mean, it's only six in the morning.
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1 Comments:
At 8:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
There's always internet dating. ;)
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