Never Better

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Look at all those stars. Look at how goddamned ugly the stars are. Wednesday, April 08, 2009 @ 9:21 PM I had an appointment at Hudson Valley Mental Health today, and I guess I scared my social worker, because she tried to convince me to go to the hospital. Basically what I said was that I woke up today feeling like a worthless waste of oxygen, that I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Which basically describes how I have felt for about 1/4 of my life. I've spent another 1/4 of my life feeling much, much worse than I do today. She wanted me to at least speak to my drug pusher I mean, "psychiatrist," but she had left for the day. She got the other staff "psychiatrist" to see me instead. The "psychiatrist" told me to double my medication and call the crisis line if I started to formulate a suicide plan. My therapist was reluctant to let me leave, and we talked for fifteen minutes after my appointment should have been over. I didn't know how to explain to her that this is my life. If I went into the hospital every time I was suicidal, I would have spent, again, about 1/2 of my life in locked wards. I just got a call from the crisis line people. They were calling to check up on me, see if I was feeling okay, and asked me if I wanted to talk. How am I supposed to talk to them, when I know they could call the police at any time? For that matter, how am I supposed to be able to tell anyone how I feel, when there's a chance they could make the situation ten times worse by reporting me? This is the catch-22 of being suicidal. You can't tell anyone, because they will take away your freedom and put you in a terrifying place with terrifying patients and even more terrifying staff. And not being able to talk to anyone only makes you feel more alone. It's hard enough to burden your friends and family by letting them know about even a fraction of the pain you're feeling. Knowing that they might try to "do what's best for" you... only makes it more impossible. 1 Comments: At 10:11 AM,  Anonymous said… i love you. i'm sad my phone doesn't work. screw the crazies at that hospital. they can't tell you what to do. love!!!!!! michelle   Post a Comment << Home archives / / blogger NetworkedBlogs Blog: Never Better Topics: writing, music, theatre   Join my network Content & Design (c) 2000-2009 KP

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