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Falling Short
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @ 9:32 PM
Today I've been thinking about goals and accomplishments. I'm familiar with the concept, the idea, that when you accomplish something, you're supposed to feel good about it, and feel better about yourself. You're supposed to say, "Yay me" and mean it. I guess my question is: How? How does that work? How can I take pride in the things I do? How can I be satisfied, and congratulate myself? I'm often proud of other people, and happy when they accomplish things. But when I do something, there's something in me that rationalizes away all the joy. I just feel like, no matter what I do, it doesn't matter. It's not enough.
In some ways, that could be a good thing - it should motivate me to work even harder, to do more things, to get more done. I don't think I'd be happy if I felt like I had accomplished everything I wanted, and there was nothing left for me to do. I still have my metaphorical mountains to climb. But, I don't really feel motivated, either. I just feel disappointed in myself, overwhelmed with everything I'm not doing, or doing wrong.
I can make a laundry list of the things I've done, the things I'm good at, the "Reasons Why I Rock." But it doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't count, somehow. Nothing I do will ever be enough. Why? Why is pride something other people deserve to feel, but I don't?
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2 Comments:
At 9:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey! I didn't realize you had a blog! Huh.
I know how you feel about not appreciating yourself and your achievements. It seems easy to cheer on someone else, but when it comes to yourself nothing seems that big a deal. So I have a question for you - are you able to "hear" other people when they cheer you on the way you cheer them on? And what would it feel like for you if they discounted your enthusiasm for them, the way you discount theirs for you? I'm just asking.
Now I can't really talk here, being the same sort who always doubts herself and is afraid of acknowledging success. Do you think we're just waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop? I know I am. Constantly.
Now for the cheering - I think you're brilliant. You're a very talented writer, a great friend, and you've made some great strides online. You've created an excellent resource for people all over the world as is shown on YouTube. Your plays have been translated into audio plays and performed all over. People pay you for your work. And you're directing, acting and writing within the theater community here. I also believe that you're beautiful inside and out. You should be proud of your accomplishments. You're pretty dynamite!
Does hearing it outlined like that help? Are you smiling even a little bit? I know I am.
Always,
amanda m.
At 9:08 PM,
Joanna Barker said…
The real problem with this whole train of thought is the light years covered by the leap of logic in the final sentence. Just because you don't feel something doesn't mean you don't deserve to.
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